In remembrance

Today's post is one that is very personal to me. It is for my cousin Winda. 

On November 13, 2006 my cousin took her own life. It was an event that changed me forever. Winda and I were close as kids and also as adults, but things happened. People and there pettiness got in the way of our relationship and things were never the same. I never got a chance to tell her how much I loved her or how much she meant to me. I never got to say goodbye. 

She was a beautiful woman with an infectious laugh and smile to match. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think I see her places. The lady at the end of the isle looks like her, the lady walking across the street, even the lady in the car next to me. Why do I think its her? Their smiles. Any other time I would not even notice the people around me, I don't even think I notice anything else about them other than their smiles. She was an amazing friend, a faithful wife, and a devoted mother. If you were to get her and her dad in the same room telling jokes you were guaranteed to pee your pants. There was no situation that those two together could not shed some laughter on. She also had the amazing ability to forgive. Something that not a lot of people are able to do. She was also an amazing shit talker, piss her off and you better duck and hide.... LOL

One of the best memories that I have of me and her is one of our many times going to the damn. We loaded up the kids right after work and went and sat on the beach while the husbands fished. I remember sitting there cracking jokes with her about how they thought they were Bill Dance. Ha Bill Dance, see my uncle use to record his shows (along with others) when we were kids. Oh yeah we knew who he was. I remember looking over at her and the only thing I noticed was the smile on her face and the way the sun made her hair sparkle (yes I said sparkle). Its a memory that will never fade. The other memory that really sticks out is the time we taped the November Rain video over one of her dads home improvement shows. We were so excited to show it to him when he got home. She went on to explain that it was a really beautiful video, and it was something Axle Rose had never done before. HE WAS PLAYING THE PIANO!!!!!!! Hello Axle Rose was sitting at the piano and he was playing it, and the melody was soft, and the video was meaningful. Ha kids, what were we thinking. I think it was the way she worded it and the look on her face that did not get us in trouble for playing with the VCR when we knew we shouldn't have been. 

I remember the day I got the phone call. It was not like any other day, it was my daughters birthday and I kept telling myself over and over that I needed to stop and get her cake on the way home from work. I had just walked into the break room to get my phone out of my locker when it started to ring. Even to this day I can't recall what was said to me. All I remember is getting sick in trashcan after my coworkers picked me up off of the ground, getting sick in the parking lot, and my driveway once I had finally made it home. The next few weeks were mind numbing. 

I miss her so much. 

See my cousin suffered from bipolar disorder. Something I myself suffer from, friends of mine suffer from, and millions of people worldwide suffer from. Having bipolar disorder is a life altering struggle  There are days where one feels lost and questions why they exist. Days that you don't want to get out of bed, days when you don't even know who you are. Your moods can be high and they can be low. Sometimes you're not even sure if you will make it out of the lows. And not matter how hard you try, you can't control how you feel. You snap and yell at those closest to you, you alienate yourself from friends. Weeks can go by without any alters in your mood, and then there can be weeks where you are manic and there seems to be no light at the end of it all. This is something that someone you may know struggles with. 

Hundreds upon hundreds of people every year create their own light at the end of the tunnel by taking their own lives. That is what she did. I have never been angry at her, and I have never blamed her for doing it, because it is something that I have tried to do myself. Bipolar Disorder or Depression should not be taken lightly and it should never be ignored. Become familiar with the signs. If you or someone you know suffers from either of these there is help.

Every 18 minutes someone dies from a suicide. Every 43 seconds someone attempts one. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please call 1-800-SUICIDE for help and hope.  

Now I know this is a nail blog, so there will be nails. My mani for today is in remembrance of Winda. The color green is for Bipolar Awareness and Mental Illness Awareness. The yellow is for Suicide Awareness. 

Kleancolor Holo Yellow, Metallic green, and Green with Envy.

Here is a video with a collection of picture of my beautiful cousin. Winda I love and miss you very much. The second song on this video crushes me every time I hear it. It was our song when we were kids. She found the CD when we were older and we jumped up and down like kids :) 

(This video is a private YouTube video and can only be viewed here or clicking on the video itself. It is not searchable on YouTube)